I haven’t been to sleep yet. Stress makes for horrible insomnia, so to keep myself busy, I started going through old journals. I found some things that weirdly relate to what I’m going through now.
All of these are from the book The Case for God:
~One of the conditions of enlightenment has always been a willingness to let go of what we thought we knew in order to appreciate truths we had never dreamed of.
As I’ve said before, I was raised a Christian. I was taught, and believed, that any kind of worship other than the worship of the fundamentalist God was tantamount to putting yourself on a slippey slide to Hell. I am in a position now where I am questioning all that I learned from traditional Christianity. I am questioning that box that I’ve had God in all these years. I’m starting to believe that God is unimaginably bigger, more wonderful, more powerful and more unknowable that I could ever fathom. I think that to knowingly put boundaries on someone’s spirituality does immeasurable harm to them. I wish it had never been done to me. I wish I had not been so desperate for love and a family that I fell for it.
~Once you give up the nervous craving to promote yourself, denigrate others, draw attention to your unique and special qualities, and ensure that you are first in the pecking order, you will experience an immense peace.
People normally don’t pay attention to me. At best, people just look through me or over me. Sometimes, I can be painfully shy and timid so in those instances I’m never looked at as special. I feel like I’ve always been in the background when I wanted to be out front. I wanted to be special and unique. If I’m completely honest with myself, I still want those things, but I know now that the main reason I wanted that affirmation and love from other people is because I didn’t have it within myself. I’ve never known how to love myself. I still don’t, but I’m really wanting to learn how. I want to be at peace.
These are from the yogi Yajnaval Kya
~You could define something only when you saw it as separate from yourself. But when the whole (Brahman) has become a person’s very self, then who is there for him to see and by what means? Who is there for me to think of and by what means?
~A great deal of the aggression, frustration, hostility, and rage that mars our peace of mind is the result of thwarted egotism, but when the aspiring yogin became proficient in this selfless equanimity, the texts tell us that he would experience indescribable joy.
~Even now, if a man knows “I am brahman” in this way, he becomes this whole world. Not even the gods are able to prevent it, for he becomes their very self (atman). So when a man venerates another deity, thinking, “He is one and I am another,” he does not understand.
Then, I wrote this:
Ask yourself these questions about your fears:
1. Is it true?
Answer: Right now, I feel that my life and the life of my daughter is in danger. I don’t know this for a fact, but I feel it in my gut. It’s the same feeling I got when I knew I was pregnant and then when I knew I was going to have a girl.
2. Can I absolutely know it’s true?
Answer: I cannot absolutely know that our lives are in danger unless this person shows up at my door. So, no, I don’t know that my fear is absolutely true.
3. How do I react when I believe this thought?
Answer: I react with fear and panic. I react with my thoughts going everywhere and ninety miles a milisecond trying to figure out ways to stop this person or to hide or to protect myself and my daughter. I’m nothing if not a scrapper.
4. Who would I be without this thought?
Answer: Oh God, I would be free. I would give almost anything to be free of this person and to have some peace.
I then gave myself instructions to write down the answers to these questions and then replace the original thought with one that is as true or truer and that doesn’t cause me suffering.
I did the answers, but I can’t do the next part right now, because I don’t know anything to say about this situation that wouldn’t cause me suffering. I may have to come back to this later.
I’m so tired.
Sorry for the dreary post.