In The Hole of My Grief

I’m still overwhelmed with grief at the passing of my mother. I feel like my days are just melting one into another. The only thing that gets me out of bed is my daughter. She needs me and I need and want to take care of her. I can’t say, however, that I’ve been in the best of moods lately. My emotions are all over the place. I’m so frustrated and angry and sad. Sometimes, out of the blue, my 4-year-old will ask me, “Mommy, are you still sad that Nana died?” I have to say “Yes” sometimes and other times I will say, “I’m still a little sad,” and then I will ask her, “Are you still sad that Nana died?”. She will invariably say, “No”. The last time she said this, I asked her why and she said, “Because Nana is in a better place. Her heart isn’t cracked anymore and she can run and play any time she wants to.” From the mouths of babes. I learn so much from her. I am so grateful that the Creator blessed me with her. I don’t always show my gratefulness through my actions, but in my heart, there is no one else in the world whom I love more than my daughter. At Thanksgiving and Christmas, I see many people saying what they are thankful for. Well, here’s my small list:

  1. My amazing daughter
  2. House to live in
  3. Money to pay rent
  4. Food to eat
  5. Car to drive
  6. My mom is with her Creator and is in no more pain and will have no more sadness ever.
  7. Heat in my house for when it gets cold
  8. Air conditioning for when it gets hot
  9. Electricity and the money to pay the bill
  10. Running water and the money to pay that bill

This is what I’m not thankful for: The pain and large hole in my life that my mother left when she died. On a purely intellectual level, I realize that grief is somewhat selfish. I mean, my mom is in a better place. Her life really didn’t end. Her physical body just gave out and her spirit went somewhere else where she can be totally fulfilled in a way that as a spirit trapped in my physical body I will never understand until I reach that point. Not that I wish for death or anything. I just realize that maybe I should be focusing more on the positive side of her death than the negative outcome it presents for me.

This is my tarot card for the day: The Knight of Cups

knight of cups

I’m not sure what this means for me. Does it mean that I will rise up above the waters of my grief to ride the waves and not drown (like I’m feeling now?). Does it mean that someone will come into my life who will pull me out of my grief and sadness and show me what it means to be happy and adventurous again? These court cards can sometimes represent an actual person, so I’m wondering if it does represent a person, who that person could be and if I already know them.

The Unicorn is a child of the sea – born of foam and restless waves, surging with the wild abandon of the surf. The Knight of Cups is her companion on the eternal quest.

He is the knight of the Round Table on the grand quest for the Grail. He is the romantic who seeks where his heart and emotions lead. He is the artist and the musician and the poet whose eyes see into the unseen nether-realms of imagination. He is the idealist who will not let physical laws stop him from riding with reckless abandon across the wave tops on his journey.

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2 thoughts on “In The Hole of My Grief

  1. Grief is not “selfish”; selfishness means we wish for our own good even if it comes at the expense of others. Grief is a normal, healthy reaction to losing someone or something of value. Your daughter doesn’t have the history with your mother that you do, so she is not going to experience those same depths of grief. It does not mean she is better at handling grief ; it only means her grief is going to be different because she is a different person with different experiences.

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