How much time do you have?
I was raised in a house which was not very religious. We went to church on Easter and Christmas like good Catholics. During high school, I had a couple of church experiences with non-Catholic churches. They were the spirit-filled churches and people there spoke in tongues, reached for the sky and did the Holy Ghost shuffle. I had never seen anything like that before, so I was kind of freaked out and didn’t go back.
I got “saved” at 18. For the next two years, I wandered getting involved with bad people and doing bad things. I was in self-destruct mode. A guy friend of mine who had given me my first Bible, took me to a meeting of Christian musicians where I met a woman who would change my life. She became the mother I never had, but had always wanted.
For the next five years, I ran a battered women/children homeless shelter out of my apartment which was part of a Christian street ministry I had become involved in through knowing this woman and her family. She and her husband discipled me in the Christian faith and introduced me to the Christian community. I grew in Christ quickly and was told by many that I had maturity in Christ beyond my years and that I was an “old soul”.
Five years in and the ministry was having problems. The woman’s husband had gotten ill and had had to have surgery. They were the impetus behind everything so when they left everything fell apart. That winter, I was raped. I tried to tell them about it, but it seems that you’re not supposed to talk about such things if you are a Christian minister. I moved back in with my Dad and stayed there for about a year.
I moved out and back to the city. I got a job at a local bar/music venue as a cocktail waitress and proceeded to drink myself into oblivion. I made so many bad choices and got involved with so many bad people that I cannot even remember them all. During this time, I stopped referring to myself as a Christian, mainly because I didn’t feel like one. I felt angry, lost, betrayed, depressed. Pretty much all the negative energies gathered around me and squatted like a big toad.
I stayed in this sort of questioning and frozen limbo until I was about thirty. I decided to take some action and go back to school to finish up my degree. I spent six years at the local college while living back with my dad and taking care of him. While I was living with my dad, a very good friend of mine died. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I spun out of control again into a very deep depression. I was on the self destructive roller coaster again.
I got an apartment on my own back in the city yet again and started to try to reconnect with my life. There were lots of bad choices, but I did meet some good people. I got engaged and was engaged for two years. That relationship went into the toilet and I fell down the hole again. For the next year, I felt like I wanted to die every second of every minute of every day. During this year, I got pregnant. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me and literally saved my life.
I call my daughter “my sweet baby angel” because that’s what she is. The minute I knew of her existence, I began to come out of the darkness. She is two years old now and is the love of my life. Her love has shown me what real love feels like. She has the purest soul I have ever encountered.
Right now, I am again trying to get back in the saddle and reconnect with people and life. I am questioning and learning and growing spiritually. I am full of hope that our lives will continue to get better and better and that I can finally stop being a worrier and find some peace that is more than a transient thing.
If you want to know something about me that is not on this post, just ask. I may or may not answer your question, but you can definitely ask.